Maybe She's Born with it Maybe it's Cerberus
by girl undone
Summary: Commander Rachel Shepard shills for a cosmetics company. The crew discovers the ad vid. Hilarity ensues. Contains strong language and mentions inter-species dating.


Bioware owns Mass Effect. Estée Lauder Companies, Inc. owns M.A.C. cosmetics.

* * *

Commander Shepard had just finished speaking with Mordin about what little information they had recovered from the Collectors Base before they had destroyed it. She was making her way out of the lab when she noticed the Briefing/Comm room was heavily occupied. In fact, it seemed as though the entire crew was inside.

Laughing. Uproariously.

Oh, this was not good.

She debated for a moment before surreptitiously peeking inside the room.

Oh, no, no, G-d no!

_The holo shows Commander Shepard in her N7 armour, whipping off her helmet and posing for the recorder. "Whether I'm chasing mercs or taking down a Reaper, I never have to worry about my makeup creasing or melting." As she puts her helmet back on and shoots off a few LOKI mechs, a female voice-over says, "Commander Shepard is wearing MAC's exclusive SPECTRE line , including Smoky Eye Palette in 'Omega Nights', Full-Fringe Benefits Mascara in 'Ardat-Yakshi Mind Meld', and Lustre-licious lipstick in 'Krogan Blood Rage'._

_The holo now cuts to Commander Shepard perched on a bar stool in the Dark Star, wearing a familiar looking black leather dress, matching spiky heels, and a heavy silver necklace. "Being a SPECTRE isn't all work." Her voice drops to a husky tone, "Sometimes I get to play." She winks at the recorder and turns talk to various men- human, turian, salarian, even a krogan and batarian thrown in for good measure. The voice-over continues, "Commander Shepard charms her way through the galaxy in SPECTRE's All Over Coverage Concealer in 'Noveria', Smoky Eye Palette in 'Afterlife', Full-Fridge Benefits Mascara in 'Ardat-Yakshi Mind Meld', Lustre-licious lipstick in 'First Kill', Lip-luxe lipgloss in 'Kinetic Barrier', and All Over Body Shimmer in 'Palaven Gleam'._

_Finally, Commander Shepard hops off the bar stool and leads a turian- face hidden, but very familiar, somehow, to the dance floor. "Because a SPECTRE always gets her man," and saunters off, hips swaying._

_The holo ends with the voice-over announcing the Citadel's first MAC store, located in the Presidium and proclaiming: "MAC's exclusive SPECTRE makeup! You don't have to be the Savior of the Citadel to wear it!"_

Commander Shepard tries to skulk away, but Mordin has been beside her the entire time, watching. "Human makeup. Not dissimilar to Turian face paint. Both used for expressing culture. Attracting mates. Explains many things." Shepard glares at him.

"Commander, how could you do this! You've debased yourself for.. for makeup!" Miranda cries, outraged, slamming her fist in palm. Joker is still laughing, Tali is shaking, but seems to have cut off her envirosuit's mic. (Thank you, Tali, Shepard thinks to herself.) Kelly's eyes are wide, Jack's are mocking. Thane looks sad, but doesn't he always? Samara looks serene as ever, if a bit confused. Jacob is catching flies, Zaeed is shaking his head in amusement, Dr. Chakwas is biting her lip so hard she might just need some medi-gel, and Garrus- Well, Garrus seems to be trying to melt into the walls, avoiding all eye contact with her. Dammit.

"I knew you secretly liked that dress," Kasumi giggles to herself.

Shepard groans inwardly and turns to Miranda, assuming her full height and commanding voice, "Look, we needed money to fix the ship after cutting ties with Cerberus. There simply wasn't enough left over to replace _your_ Chanel liquid eyeliner." Miranda looks outraged, but Shepard waves a hand to interrupt, "You know, you really shouldn't need to wear so much, being genetically engineered to be beautiful and all," she adds, finding it impossible to swallow that last barb.

Jack howls with laughter, "The cheerleader put her fucking _makeup_ on the list of 'urgent supplies?"

Shepard wheels on Jack, "You should talk! You wear more face paint than a freshly inked turian!" Oops. "Uh, sorry, Garrus."

"Dammit," Garrus mutters under his breath. He had been trying to actually meld with the walls. Why did she have to draw attention to him? "That's all right, Shepard."

Suddenly, everyone in the room stops gawking at the Commander and focuses on the former C-Sec officer. "Wait a sec!" Joker cries. "That _was_ you with the Commander in the vid!"

Commander Shepard buries her face in her hands. Garrus looks uncomfortable as he tries to explain, "Rach- Shep- the Commander was desperate for money and someone had to be there with all those male actors around-" Joker and Jack start howling again and Garrus growls, "You have no idea how much I hate your language." Mordin looks between the mortified Shepard and the embarrassed Vakarian, commenting again about their compatibility.

Joker, grinning under his baseball cap, declares gleefully, "Man, I love this ship."


End file.
